The Trek

Every step up
Forces air from your lungs,
It's too hard to talk,
So, you cry.

Why would you leave
Such a well-known green
For whatever is on
The far side?


Your heels dig in,
The dirt gets thick,
Can you lift your leg
From the floor?

A life that you know
For one that you don't,
Less time when you could
Have had more.


The enemy you've seen
From all sides of the screen,
The comfort in knowing
The pain,

The way that he strikes,
The flow of the fights,
The start and the end
Of the game.

You survive every time,
But if survival is life,
You really should rethink
The trek,

Two years, almost three,
But if you look, you'll see me
In a love that was worth
Every step.

Snowflake

His shoulders fall forward,

His nose scrunches up,

He grabs at the neck of his shirt,

To adjust side-to-side,

It's a tick that he'd hide

If he knew that I knew of this quirk.

You can hate someone deeply,

A fire can rage when you think

Of what they have done,

But a single snowflake

Will land on the flame

With a look at who he once was.

Bad Guy

I am the bad guy

Because I left,

Because I said what I meant,

Because I picked up

The book and flipped

All the way to the end.

I am the bad guy

Because I wanted

The chance to be loved back,

Because I wanted

To leave what's safe

Just to have what he always had.

I am the bad guy,

My sadness is karma

For causing him minimal pain,

But since his was more

Recent, it must be

Worse than my years worth of aches.

I am the bad guy,

Let it be known,

Friends and family alike,

To be in the wrong

Just means you're the one

Who made the last cut with the knife.

He is the good guy,

All that he did

Was not a thing that he should,

And I am the bad guy

Because I chose me

Over choosing his stamp of "good"

Broken

It boils from below,

Like a simmering pot,

It burns, and it stings,

Inconsistently hot,

Warm and then scorching,

But always too much

To take when our lives

Will never not touch,

A friend turned to whispers,

Disappeared like a song,

A word that is said

But is instantly gone,

That is who I am,

To him, I'm a dream,

One he forgot

While still sound asleep,

It's not that his heart

Simply healed and let go,

But sadly, I think,

His heart never broke,

It never held mine,

I just held his alone,

And that is a pain

I will never not know.

The battle

I’m angry that battles

Raged in my mind

For 8 years of days

And 8 years of nights,

"You aren't treated well,

And you aren't treated right,

This isn't a partner,

You will find the light"

"But the kids and the house

And the kids and this life,

And my time with the kids,

Will the kids be alright?"

I'm angry that battles

Still rage through the night,

While he’s never once

Thrown himself in the fight.

Stand

I can't stand who he was,

I can't stand who he is,

I can't stand that he acts

Like he and I never did

Stand, hand in hand,

I can’t stand that he lives

Standing while I can’t

Seem to stand without him.

Spooky

Mesmerizing, wild eyes,

A mouth that moves faster than a brain,

A pair of glasses--to be removed--

When it’s getting a little too late.

Sometimes, a look can be enough

To prove that we are still awake,

But at what point do we let go

And just let the illusion break?

Karma

She sits on her shelf, and

She listens.

Right next to the elf, and

The trinkets,

She keeps to herself, but

She’s sinking

In, she can tell what

You’re thinking.

She gives and she takes

With a smile,

She builds and she breaks

With her eyes,

Before you can take

Back the vile

Things that you say,

You’ve been tried.

Peace

Her head hits the branch,

She looks to the sky,

The wind whistles through

The leaves,

The sun creates ribbons

Of translucent gold

Through just enough dust

To see,

She looks to the side

To see the grass shimmer,

She’s never seen something

So green,

She listens with ears

Tuned into the sounds

That match her own heart as

It beats.

She may never find

Perfection in life,

But she’d never say she didn’t

Find peace.

The Pace

Most things will move

At a pace that they like,

If you push them too much,

They will fall off their track,

If you don’t give enough,

They will stop in their place,

And if you’re still for too long,

They will start to fall back.

His Eyes

There are fluttery kicks I have come to expect

When I feel the daggers he shoots from his eyes,

So sharp, I think “piercing” is the word that I use,

Since I’ve yet to find one to better describe

How difficult it is to meet such a gaze,

How, when I do, I lose all of my mind

To shivers and quakes and the rumbling roar

Of falcons that fly right out from my spine.

Vampire

Your name pops up,

And I get angry.

Why was I the one

That you had to bite?

If you knew there were others

You would rather kill,

Then why follow me

In the night?

The Difference

He moved on so easily,

But it wasn't without the price

Of learning everything she is

And trying on faces

That didn't fit.

He tried on her music

And her sports

And her vibe,

He shifted in his seat,

It became hard to breathe,

But eventually he squeezed

Into her life.

I can't move on that easily.

I don’t want to fit a different life,

I dont want to squeeze into a seat

Someone made, but not for me.

I have my music,

And my thoughts,

My own sports,

My own vibe,

I want someone who has theirs, too,

And it doesn't have to be

Just like mine.

The Expiration Date

It hangs there,

In the corner of the room,

It watches over me as we talk.

I want to kiss you,

But it has this hold

That is forcing me to stop.

I want to tell you

Everything and

Be with you all the time,

But there it is,

Just hanging there,

In complete control of my mind.

Ghosted

Her ear was cool when he answered the call,

The chill dropped to her feet.

She saw him walking, strong and tall,

He smiled, and her knees went weak.

A frost began to follow their lead,

Their steps were left in snow,

She shivered when they crossed the street,

He said he’d take her home.

The car was all but a block of ice,

It would take her days to know,

She asked if he would step inside,

But she didn’t expected he’d go.

The couch would be the next in line

To take the frosty blow,

Soon enough, the cold would find

It’s way into her phone.

She tried everything to keep this one,

But with temperatures so low,

Not even the burning sun itself

Could save her from this ghost.

Home

We talk, and we laugh, I almost fall asleep,

Held by the hands that I had put to my own

To compare finger lengths, just one night before

I learned that a stranger could feel like a home.

The Outside

I stared at the ceiling tiles with a racing heart,

In the spaced out, white squares, I could make out his eyes.

They were sharp and over-shadowed by a prominent ridge,

They pierced through the room I had been stuck inside,

It’s been many years since I've lived above ground,

In darkness, you forget how the sun feels on your skin,

But when he told me my smile went just to one side,

And he liked it that way, I felt warm again.

The Call

You talk behind my back,

I live behind yours.

I see beyond the window,

You’re busy slamming doors,

You would say that we’re different,

I wouldn’t say at all,

Because I’m too busy living

To even make the call.

Too Late

She doesn’t know

What makes a good parent,

She doesn’t know

What a partner should be,

She doesn’t see

How hard it can get

Or how he will handle

Responsibilities,

She doesn’t know

The money required

To pay for the things

That they’ll need to have,

She will find out,

Too late, like I did,

What it looks like

To spot a red flag.

Grown-up

I just don’t know so much,

It seems that every day

I learn how much I do not know

In the most embarrassing ways.

I say the things I thought I knew,

But then, find out I’m wrong,

I sing the lyrics slightly off

When I thought I knew the song.

I thought that I would grow-up

Some day and know a lot,

Turns out being a grown-up

Is learning that you do not.